Sneak Peek at Chelsea Handler in Playboy!
Avoid the stress of the holiday season with Chelsea Handler’s Guide to the Holidays in Playboy’s December issue, on sale November 13th. Whether your holidays mean a full house or an empty bottle, these tips will have you covered from Thanksgiving to New Year’s:
On cooking:
I love a big holiday meal with friends. And I’m a meat-and-potatoes kind of girl. I like baked hams, mashed potatoes, a big turkey stuffed with Vicodin and extra tryptophan—all the old standards.
On decorating:
I have nothing against a little holiday decor; I just think it should be subtle. Take Christmas trees, for instance. I don’t understand people who haul huge towering trees into their homes every season. I like my Christmas trees like I like men: short and corpulent.
On dealing with family:
My father has absolutely no social decorum at Christmas meals. He’s usually the first to start eating, hoarding the food like he’s preparing for a famine. And watching him eat is like watching a dryer on the spin cycle….Oh, and he also likes to urinate over our balcony. That’s not something you want other people to witness, especially people who aren’t directly related to you.
On hooking up at office parties:
If you drink so much that it seems a good idea to hook up with one of your co-workers, try to do it somewhere a little less public, like a car. We have an official Chelsea Lately El Camino that we use for just such an emergency. If I notice a pair of drunken employees getting a little too frisky with each other, I’ll throw them the El Camino keys and guide them toward the parking lot. If you’re going to make a mistake you’ll regret tomorrow, you may as well do it somewhere classy.
And the reason for the season:
I’m a big proponent of the separation between church and everything else in the world, and it’s time to take back Christmas for those of us who don’t want to hear about angels and shepherds and babies with glowing heads. Besides, ever since Jesus started dating Madonna, I can’t take him so seriously anymore.
