UGH, bring a BOOK.
I’ve never liked Ariana Grande or her music. I’m big enough to admit that she’s a good singer, but a good signer does not a good entertainer make. Also, her dumb infantilizing costumes and cat ears just add insult to injury and her whole personae makes me think that women haven’t come too far since the days of midriff-bearing, sex-selling pop stars of the early 2000’s. ANYHOW, she’s on this month’s Billboard’s cover, and admits that she’s “much better at making songs than telling people things,Ã¢â¬Â so maybe she wouldn’t be surprised at what I’ve said. But I do think she’s more interesting than she thinks she is, and definitely “darker,” and “weirder,” too. Sorry, Ari. You ain’t any of THAT. Here are the highlights:
On where she came from: Ã¢â¬ÅI have a bunch of really dope friends IÃ¢â¬â¢ve known since elementary school,Ã¢â¬Â says Grande. Ã¢â¬ÅThey think itÃ¢â¬â¢s funny that people want to take pictures with me at Starbucks, because it is — itÃ¢â¬â¢s weird. TheyÃ¢â¬â¢re going to keep me healthy and humble. I still feel like Ariana from Boca [Raton] who loves musical theater and dogs. IÃ¢â¬â¢m just working now.Ã¢â¬Â
On scolding female artists for showing skin: Ã¢â¬ÅIf youÃ¢â¬â¢re going to rave about how sexy a male artist looks with his shirt off,Ã¢â¬Â says Grande, Ã¢â¬Åand a woman decides to get in her panties or show her boobies for a photo shoot, she needs to be treated with the same awe and admiration. I will say it until IÃ¢â¬â¢m an old-ass lady with my tits out at Whole Foods. IÃ¢â¬â¢ll be in the produce aisle, naked at 95, with a sensible ponytail, one strand of hair left on my head and a Chanel bow. Mark my words. See you there with my 95 dogs.Ã¢â¬Â
On being “weird:” Ã¢â¬ÅI was a messed-up little kid,Ã¢â¬Â says Grande with glee. Ã¢â¬ÅI remember one night my dad came home late from work, and we all had skeleton makeup on our faces. He was like, Ã¢â¬ËIs this Halloween?Ã¢â¬â¢ Nope, itÃ¢â¬â¢s just another Wednesday in our house.Ã¢â¬Â
On Kanye’s Taylor Swift lyrics: Ã¢â¬ÅIÃ¢â¬â¢m conflicted. ItÃ¢â¬â¢s a serious thing to joke about, but at the same time, a lot of artists use humor in their music. I mean, yes, itÃ¢â¬â¢s hard to listen to. But IÃ¢â¬â¢m obsessed with KanyeÃ¢â¬â¢s album. IÃ¢â¬â¢m obsessed with TaylorÃ¢â¬â¢s album. There are some cringe-worthy topics on his, but itÃ¢â¬â¢s part of Kanye. HeÃ¢â¬â¢s a fantastic artist.Ã¢â¬Â
I love how she’s like, “I’m WEIRD!” but also like, totally diplomatic/not taking a side when it comes to other things.ÃÂ Also, she’s in a towel and pearls, which is like, come on, we get it, you’re still cute and fancy ALL AT THE SAME TIME. SO BORING. It just makes me feel like she’s coached to be “cute,” but to not have opinions. I’ve spared you her feminist stuff, so YOU’RE WELCOME.