5. Britney Spears
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: Filling chicken-grease-stained sweatpants on the cover of every trashy tabloid and gossip blog on the Internet
Why She´s Unsexy: Less than five years ago, Britney had a python wrapped around her well-toned torso onstage at the VMAs. Since then, she´s lost the ability to perform, but gained two kids, two useless ex-husbands, and about 23 pounds of Funyun pudge.

4. Madonna
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: On tour, at the Wailing Wall, in the pharmacy´s menopause aisle
Why She´s Unsexy: After building a personal fortune on Top 40 pornography, Madonna traded pioneering sexuality for, like other old Jewish women, self-righteous bellyaching and rapid postnuptial deterioration. Combine a Paris Hilton-like pet accessorizing fetish only for dirt-poor foreign babies with a mug that looks Euro-sealed to her skull, and you´ve got Willem Dafoe with hot flashes.

3. Sandra Oh
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: Grey´s Anatomy
Why She´s Unsexy: The only thing worse than a show about doctors is a show about sappy chick doctors we´re forced to watch or else our girlfriends won´t have sex with us. We´re holding Dr. McSkinny, with her cold bedside manner and boyish figure, personally responsible.

2. Amy Winehouse
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: Onstage, offstage, and in the tabloids after cleaving herself and her husband
Why She´s Unsexy: When we first heard this chick boast about her reluctance to go to rehab we thought, Now there´s a girl we can party with! But upon beholding her openly hemorrhaging translucent skin, rat´s nest mane and lashes that look more like surgically attached bats, we were the ones screaming, “Nooo, nooo, nooo!”

1. Sarah Jessica Parker
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: Sex and the City, Failure to Launch, Honeymoon in Vegas
Why She´s Unsexy: How the hell did this Barbaro-faced broad manage to be the least sexy woman in a group of very unsexy women and still star on a show with “sex” in the title? Pull your skirt down, Secretariat, we´d rather ride Chris Noth.